From the harsh looks and glares to the unpleasant remarks
“Your child is weird,” “You should try to discipline your kid,” “Maybe you are too soft on him,” etc. These are some unpleasant remarks you might’ve heard before from other people concerning your child's behavior.
Stigma
Parenting a neurodivergent child can pose some unique challenges in itself and can be aggravated when faced with negative reactions from others. While curious and judge looks and comments from other children can be hurtful, it is easier not to be mad because, well… they are still kids.
On the other hand, when an adult says something distasteful, it really hurts you because they should know better. Even though we are much more open-minded in recent times about neurodiversity, it is not uncommon to see others question your parenting and experience some unpleasant stares and looks. For example, if your kid is having a tantrum in public, they tend to associate it with bad parenting and lack of discipline, some even recommending physical punishment. These claims reveal a huge lack of knowledge about ASD, with some attributing the cause of the kid’s behavior to alcohol and drug consumption during pregnancy. Absolute bonkers!
These types of comments and not-so-comprehensive mindsets can also have a negative impact on your social life. It is not uncommon to have a smaller friend circle as a parent of an autistic child. In a study conducted by Farrugia (2009), one parent stated that one of his friends invited him to hang out at his house but not to bring his child as he would act “weird.”
Internalized stigma
Hearing this stuff over and over again can result in an internalization of the content of these mean comments. They can get into your head and make you feel guilty when they turn into automatic thoughts. Even though, rationally, you can understand that what you hear in your head is not true, it’s still hard to get away from it. It can manifest in a restriction of your daily activities by avoiding public situations with your children because you feel anxious about being judged by others.
The importance of social support
Fortunately, not everything is negative, and there are numerous reports of parents who met people who were compassionate and genuinely wanted to help. Fostering good connections and using social support to your advantage is a good way to distance yourself from judgment. A good place to find some support is online communities for parents of autistic children (either online or a local one). It is an amazing way to find people who truly understand you and who are going through similar life experiences. These communities are a safe space to open up and talk about the typical pains and challenges but also the achievements of being a parent in the autism community. We recommend MyAutismTeam; a platform dedicated to supporting parents of autistic children.
Another source of social support comes from families. Generally, they are very receptive and change their dynamics to accommodate the child’s needs. It is also common for some of your relatives to sit down and patiently hear your concerns about the stigma and lack of inclusion and try to comfort you.
Be aware that even though you are strong mentally and can overcome any challenge, making this journey easier isn’t a sign of weakness. Dealing with stigma doesn’t need to be a solo fight, and you probably can count on more people than you think at first.
It has been proven many times that nurturing strong bonds with others constitutes a protective factor against stress and anxiety and is positively correlated with resilience and general well-being.
Coping with the stress and self-stigma
To deal with the stigma and the stress derived from it, the literature suggests that mindfulness and self-compassion (which has a mindful component to it) are two good coping strategies.
In short, it is important to be mindful of the automatic thoughts that may arise and to be able to see them as they truly are, just thoughts. Deep down, you know they are not true and just reflect the lack of knowledge and comprehension from other people.
Concerning self-compassion, it is also important to be accepting and understanding toward yourself. If your inner voice tells you that “you shouldn’t take your kid to the supermarket because he will not behave properly,” for example, don’t feel guilty about it. These thoughts come and go, and you shouldn’t give them more importance than they deserve.
Self-compassion meditation
To make it more practical, we recommend doing this self-compassion meditation exercise.
- Find a comfortable position, whether seated or lying down.
- Like you usually do in mindful meditation, start focusing on your breath.
- After you feel more aware of your breath, start saying some comforting expressions to yourself, such as “My kid and I deserve to be loved and respected,” to give an example.
- As an extra step, you can also imagine other people, friends, or family giving you support and imagine them giving you a long, warm hug.
- In the end, you can open your eyes and be thankful that you took this time for yourself.
Be mindful
Lay down or sit in a comfortable position and bring your awareness to your breath. Take three deep breaths and ask yourself:
- Did others’ judgment ever stop me from doing some activities with my kid?
- Did I ever feel bad and guilty because of some negative thoughts about my child?
Conclusion
In conclusion, the journey of parenting a neurodivergent child involves dealing with stigma and the stress that follows. The hurtful comments and stares, that arise from a lack of knowledge, can really affect parents, resulting in internalized stigma and self-doubt.
The thing to remember is that you're not alone, and there are people ready to offer genuine support. Embracing the uniqueness of your child and finding strength in relationships can make a significant difference in the overall well-being of you and your StarKid.